| shrugs shoulders |
[13 Jul 2003|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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thursday- concealer |
] |
fucking, god damnit. does anyone have any clue how fucking hard it is to date someone exactly like you in every way. an asshole! yeah so anyways, this weekend's been fuckin dandy. chillen with jessie, jonny boy, jeremy, mingo, slim, deedee, just "them people." it was fun. except jeremy has madd PMS. but i can deal. so i'm chillen right now with sara and we have absolutely nothing to do. boredom. oh yeah! on friday i saw frodo. mmmmmmmmmm dummmmasss. first off, he was the fucking one who said right before he left to thekeys, that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me ever. and i said okay. yea so on friday at the mall, i was already heated cuz shit with jeremy n oreo and people and fuckin i walk by n frodo goes "wusssssssssssssup kidddddd" and i took 2 steps n turned around and got up in his face. on top of my lungs i was screaming "what the fuck wus that" and all he had to say was "i was juss sayin wassap to you" i fuckin lost it. i started goin off. i told him flat out, he said he wanted nothin to do with me n i want nothing to so with him. i told him that i got my life and all my shit str8 n so does he, he was an asshole to me ass a boyfriend and even as a friend and i told him that i wanted him never to speak to me ever again and not to even look in my direction. and i sized him up and walked away. for sum reason, it was really stress releiving. for those few seconds that i yelled at him, everything else that was bothering, all of a sudden didnt matter. i'm happy with wut i got now and i dont wanna fuck shit up. i have to admit tho, all the shit i went thru with frodo made me a whole fuck lot stronger and smarter but it hurt also. i guess the only way i can thank him for all that is to just move on and not talk to him anymore. but its always okay cuz i never regret anything. well i'mna go start a movie with sara. p3@c3 kidses
tha one. tha only. kayla.
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[08 Jul 2003|01:51am] |
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i'm with jeremy. woo hoo. new boy for once. he's actually different from every other fuckin guy i've ever dated. its fuckin wonderful. fallin' fast. damn... anyways, mommas been bitchin but its all good. fuck, i got shit to do. i'll write more later
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| chicks before dicks |
[29 Jun 2003|12:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 relieved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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some shit on mtv |
] |
i really don't want to explain the whole fucking story because its pointless considering the fact that everyone knows. all i wanna say about it is that me and erica realized that guys come and go but friendships last forever. so i still have erica but frodo said he wanted nothing to do with me ever again. thank god... i'm happie that me n frodo arent friends because honestly, if me and frodo remained friends, all i would do is bitch n moan about how much i waant him back and the fact is, if i dont have to see him everyday, i'll eventually forget about him. yeah so murdah squad is up in the air. no one wants star in, but star n willie are the 2 kids that started it. so we were thinkin maybe that we change the name, change the kings, but the people in crew remain the same. so what else has been going on? nothing really interesting is going on lately, and prolly not for a while. cuz when i was at ericas i realized a.) drama is just drama and theres no reason to get involved and b.) everything happens for a reason so don't complain. i know, "it took you long enuff to realize that." thats all i gotta say for now, so.... i'm out.
the one and only
kayla
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[27 Jun 2003|04:43pm] |
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mood |
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nothing |
] |
| [ |
music |
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back in tha day-tirck daddy |
] |
i'm back from erica's and at home again. i fucked up this time.
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| it's tooo early to wake up in summer |
[13 Jun 2003|10:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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taking back sunday - summer stars |
] |
grr. well last night didnt much work out. i was gunan leave n all but my moms best friend saw me walking to my homegurls house so when my mom called her she gave my ma the number. so yeah i came home and my parents gave me this talk on how i'm too young to leave n bla bla bla. and i insisted that i was already gone so eventually they told me that if i told them where i was going for 2 weeks then, i could go. so i'm leaving yay! well last night was extremely weird. i would start to fall asleep and i would hear frodo's voice saying he loves me or he would ask if i was gunna sleep at someones house with him tonite, and i would wake up, look around and realize that it was a dream. it sounded sooo real. so i got the worst sleep ever last night. oh well, i guess i really do miss him as much as i deny. yea and then when i woke up this morning i had a tummy ache so i felt like i was gunna puke, so i walked to the potty and sat down next to it, and all i could hear was frodo telling me i'm beautiful and i didnt need to lose weight, and i should keep eating and not throw up and bla bla bla. i heard it in my head like it was really him standing over me, saying it. yea so i puked. oh yeah and i forgot to tell you, vinny the fish has been callin me (yea the one that got his dicked puked on by a drunk ho) he's like wassap kayla, i wanna chill, get u drunk n do sum K. bla bla bla. so finally i told him flat out if he was calling me only cuz he thought he was gunn ahave sex with me then fuck off, and he said he didnt want to have sex he just wanted to be friends n shit. and last nigth at 530 he called n i didnt pick up and he left a message "hey kayla, its vinny, listen i dont want u to think i have any alterior motives, i dont wanna have sex with you and shit, i just wanna be ur friend and chill so gimme a call. take care. buh-bye." i have never heard vinny be that fucking sweet, and even more scary was him using a word with more then 1 syllable in it. wow yea sooo its been great lately. grr i feel like i'm gunna puke again. i swear, it feels like i'm puking the last of frodo out of my heart. yay... i also dropped 7 more pounds. i'm down to 112.5. whoo hoo. k, well i'mna go i think. poem!
i was looking back on my life
and all the things i've done to me
i'm still looking for the answers
i'm still searching for the key
the wreckage of my past keeps haunting me
it just wont leave me alone
i still find it all a mystery
could it be a dream?
the road to nowhere leads to me
through all the happiness and sorrow
i guess i'd do it all again
live for today and not tomorrow
it's still the road that never ends
and thats all for now kidds.
much love n other things
kaywa
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| someone does love me |
[10 Jun 2003|05:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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thursday-cross out the eyes |
] |
is it those times that u have seen me cry
held me thro the heart break?
told me everything would be fine in the morning,
all the tears are gone
everything seems to be fine
but as we look deeper
we find something that we never thought possible
a friendship that will never end
these ties will forever bind us
in this endless love for another
i cant even begin to comprehend
how much u mean to a single soul
we might look for love in the wrong places
we might not be the strongest
or the weakest
but it seems like we have enough will in us to live another day
to see another shining star
something that will never fade
even in the darkest of nites
u can alwayz see that one shining star
from my baby erica, thank you
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| broken |
[10 Jun 2003|05:00pm] |
I broke my heart trying to reach you,
and I missed you by a sigh.
But it wasn't till you saw my tears,
that you thought that I could cry.
And for moon struck glaze I grew my wings
and tried again to fly.
But as I approached I saw demonic
poison in your eye.
I knew that I could heal your soul,
a cure I'd have to try.
I knew a pure and holsum place,
but first I'd have to die.
I have the will to reach it but forgotten where it lie.
So excuse me while I search for love,
some castle in the sky.
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| gone |
[10 Jun 2003|04:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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hed pe- get away |
] |
yeah so i decided i'm leaving, on thursday i'm goin to a friends house n then my other friend said i can stay there while her parents are away. i can't live here anymore. it makes me sick. i mean i will be smart about it n i'll call my parents every once in a while to tell them i'm alive but i'm not coming back here for a long while at least. its gunna be hard but i need time to myself to think about it all n realize wut i'm actually living for. so i dont know if i will have the chance to update this often but my number is 954 802 2791... give it a call. love you guys
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| yeah i was anorexic, so what |
[09 Jun 2003|11:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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absolutely nothing... |
] |
its so easy to take advantage of it when u have it. and when its gone, u didnt even realize how perfect it was. he broke with me. he told me that he couldn't handle the fact that i was crazier then him n i was tooo fuckin insane, the fact that i acted like his "mom," and wanna know where he is n if he's okay, he broke up with me forever because he just didnt love me anymore. do u know how fucking hard it is to hear that the person u love doesnt love u back? its the worst feeling ever. we both didnt wanna just come n go like every other boyfriend or girlfriend, we wanted to come n stay, but he couldnt. it was sooo hard hearing all this from him and i told him flat out that he's my reason for waking up and the fact that i started eating again, and automatically he called me dumb to say that since i dont have him anymore i was gunna starve myslef n shit n he didnt realize it so i interrupted him n i told him, i'm not sayin all this cuz i'mna stop eatin again, i'm saying this cuz i wanna say fuckin thank you, thank you for letting me feel beautiful that i dont have to starve myself n thank you for giving me a reason for 6 months to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face n just thank you for everything. he was the best thing that ever happened to me, no matter the petty fights we got in, the break ups, the threats, everything, he is by far the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. so when dad came to pick me up from erica's i broke down. i told him the whole story n he said the most intelligent thing ever. he called me selfish, he told me that if frodo is homeless n day to day he has to wonder why he's getting up in the morning, how he's gunna eat today n wheres he's gunna lay his head down at nite, how can he have time to take care of me, n love me when he barely loves anything about himself. it was hard to hear it but it gave me hope. theres 3 things i never have had before, self-respect, hope, n trust in my life, and with him i had self-respect, cuz he taught me that, i had trust cuz i trusted him and finally i had hope. my dad gave me hope. hope for a new tomorrow, hope for everything to smile once again. i know that i lost a boyfriend, but i gained a friend and more importantly, i gained everything. i still have erica, ms, charles, marc, my family, ds, i still have everything and now i have hope. in a way, it sucks, it sucks that i would never listen to him before, i always knew he was the truth n he knew what was right for me but i never listened, and even more sickening, is that, i hear every word that he says now and thats only because i dont have him anymore. you never know what you have, until its gone. and i never realize what i have until a minute too late. after he broke up with me, i was starting to cry so i walked away cuz i cant let him see me cry. and i realized that my tears were, tears of sadness, n happiness, n releif, and anger, n thankfulness and everything else. and i just wanted them to be tears of sadness, but they werent, i was sad...yea... but i was soo much more. i'm thankful for every day that i woke up with a smile on my face, when to school and at night, got a call from him just to say hi. thats it. and i'm thankful for everything he made me realize i had, this is the only thing in my life that i dont regret and that i never will. i thought i would never be able to smile again n i realized, thats all i can do now. smile, because for 14 years of my life, i was clueless, and for 6 months, i lived and i smiled without reason. and i thank him for it. thank you baby for those short months of happiness n everything i never had. i love you and i always will.
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| my balls are huge |
[05 Jun 2003|09:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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punkie-sean paul (yummmmm) |
] |
anyways, so today i was cravin n i stole apack from ym mom n damn i dumb. she always knows when i take a pack oh well. shit happens. so nothing new really happened today. erica is sad cuz star is a whore n he plays females n he breaks promises a whole lot. its hard cuz erica is my heart, murda is my crew n star is my boy. its hard to juggle out. yea but its fucked up cuz star promised me and frodo that he would b str8 up wit all females from then on and he really isnt. oh well. old habbits die hard. hard as fuck. sooo yeah well this weekend i can only sleep out one nite so i dunno it depends wut frodo's doin i guess. so... well joeys actin weird to me, frodo hasnt called in a couple daze, ericas sad n i'm juss flat out plain confused. damn d-d-dr-drama. fuck that shit on the real. yea well i didnt really get it cuz someone wrote a comment on my last entry n i didnt know who is was n they said sum fucked up shit, and i wanna know who it is cuz i wanna ask 'em wut they meant by that. fuckin anonymous people. yeas sooo hmmm i really got jack shit ramble shit to say so i guess i'll juss pour out my head n u guys can try n understand my confusin shit i have to say. oh yeah and remember willie? yea well star told me he got a new girl n i asked who she wa sn he didnt say anything to me, and he never talks to me when i IM him n shit. its prit-t messed up. oh yeah n i havent heard from oreo in a while so i think he's dead or sum shit. i wanna read a good book but i dont know any good books and i read everything in my house. lol kayla reading! impossible! fuck, every one thinks i'm sooo fuckin dumb cuz the only things i'm smart about are, sex, drugs, n relationships (sumtimes) but i'm actually very smart when i wanna be lol. oh yeah, i dyed my hair more, its purple in front n red in back, its ill as fuck. ohh yeah i wanna put a poem in cuz i havent in a while.... lemme find one....
"untitled"
"its always the same person
justw ith a different face
little do you know your forcing me to grow up
just not at your pace
you swear you know me better then i do
we dont talk very much anymore
and now i swear we're through
i say all this, then i look you in the eye
i see somthing different
i know you would never lie
so why am i crying now?
you made me feel like a person...how?
your no different then any other guy
but your words mean so much to me
thats how you made me cry
"its easier said then done"
everyone says you're not
but i could swear you're the one"
well i think thats all for now so i guess i'm owt.
wait one more quote
"mess with mah crew and ur messin with me, hurt them and then you'll see, how fast i make ur life hell, cuz i'd give my life for them and take urs as well"
M~~~S~~~Q
kk murda bitch
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| i must be blonde cuz i'm forever confused |
[04 Jun 2003|10:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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some shit on 93.1 |
] |
i dont get it. okay, this kid joey. he goes to the mall n shit n we were jokin round and i made a comment n he said he wanted to marry a girl like me so i told him that i was gunna marry him lol. anyways so joey's my husband now n i talk to him like every night and its weird cuz i tend to open up to him for an odd strange reason, but we usually talk about frodo n shit. anyways yea so, i text message him during school all day cuz i'm bored outta mah mind. so when i came home from school he called me n we were talkin for a lil and i had to go so i told him i'd call him later n i forgot to and about 15 minutes ago he sent me a text message asking me what was up n i told him that my girlie was doin my hair and he's like how cute, n i'm like yeah i know i'm the cutest ever, and out of no where he text me back saying, you're starting to like me arent you? and i asked him, "like u how" and he didnt write back so i called him n he didnt pick up n shit so i left a message for him n shit. christ, how can he think i like him? whenever i talk to him on the fone we talk about 5 different things, plans for the weekend, star,frodo, sex n food. thats it, out of that, what makes him think i like him? i mean yeah he's my husband n shit as a joke and he's cute as hell n he's sweet as fuck but i wouldnt date him. i guess he thought i was serious cuz he said sumthing really mean about girls n i jokily said "damn i wish i had a bf like you" but maybe he thought i was serious but i really wasnt. yea so enuff about that, on a different note, i decided to decorate my school for the end of the year. i tagged every single bathroom in both the buildings, every stall, every since, and like half the toilet seats, tampon dispenser, the stairs, my 4th hour door, my 6th grade teachers desk drawer, and the lunch table. MSQ!!!!! REP 9_5_4 on the real. its great. so what else can i talk about? oh yeah, i dyed my bangs purple cuz i was bored n thats bout it. ummm, i'm still on a world wide search for newports, i smoked my last one today n i need it. oh and also we started sex ed today with mr. fag, i mean mr.ford, he loves the cock. and every time he said soemthing about sex, he looked at me n tiffany, the only females in like the fuckin school who have done other shit then kissing a guy lol. damn i must be a hoe. yea but how does my teacher know that? cough...stalker...cough. alright thats all i wanna type for now... i think u guys should comment on my bullshit cuz i wanna read shit, cuz i'm sick of typing, i wanna read wut all u think of my cute little happie stories about my pathetic life. peace, love, n chiken grease.
breakin hearts n breakin necks
k k k k k k a a a a a y y y y y l l l l l a a a a a
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| happy entry |
[01 Jun 2003|05:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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aggrevated/happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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angry music... blood for blood-white trash anthem |
] |
god i love that thing. yeah well its been a little messed up lately. anyways, i'm juss gunna tell ya about my guy shit cuz i'm too heated to talk about my events this weekend. anyways, star slept over on friday nite, and the whole night he was acting all flirty n cute n shit with me. i didnt think twice cuz we always flirt cuz thats my babeh. yeah so i left the room to go pee and i come back n my bro told me to dip cuz they is talkin, so i did. after a lil, star comes out n says my bro wants to talk to me. so my brother tells me that star said he likes me a lot n he wants to date me n shit n the second i break up with frodo, star wants me n no one else. so i was talkin to star n i was like well (juss random questions to him) and i asked him if we dated if he would care about me n he's like of course i already do. so i asked him if he would take care of me n he said of course again, and finally i looked him in the eye n asked him if he would fall in love with me, and he sat a minute, turned his head away from me n said "i have to do it twice" and i flipped. i almost cried. no cuz it was sweet n all but the fact that, he prolly says the same shit to every gurl and i was scared that one day he was gunna say it to someone like erica n actually mean it and she wont believe it. so after he said that, i completely changed the subject. and after like 5 minutes he looks at the clock n smiles n pointed at me to look at the time n it was 1:43 (beeper code for i love you) and i juss smiled n brushed it off n walked out of my room. yeah so thatw as peachy, and saturday i chilled with him n frodo n it was tension like none other. so on sunday we went to ericas n star slept there n i kinda flipped. i couldn't handle all his bullshit anymore. erica is my heart. she's my baby. she's my everything. and i couldnt see her cry anymore so i told her. i told her what jordan said to me n what star said n shit. i dont know why but i did. n i told frodo too. frodo was a lil undecided of what he was gunna do with this info but i told him n erica flipped. of course she would, she fuckin loves this kid. but i was scared she was madd at me but she reassured me that she loves me n its not my fault n she isnt madd at all at me. so instead of doing what she usually does (get angry n cry and be depressed) she started to spit his game back in his face. she called this kid she has a lil crush on that really doesnt like star n vis versa n had a conversation with him in front of star. damn, ont he real, everyone was flippin int hat house, xcept me n frodo cuz he was too sick n i was makin him feel better (only rubbing his back lol)so star felt what erica feels all the time n he didnt like it. u could see it in his eyes, he was pretty pist.but i goota tell ya, it felt good, to see erica stickin up for her self. she's one tough ass bitch n i'm glad she decided not to be weak anymore. she's sees right thru him now. i always saw str8 thru him and told it to his face and he was pist that i knew his every move a second before he made it but he always denied it all. fuck that. i told him if he wants to have sex with me, juss say it but dont run me around in circles chasin a fuckin bone that i aint never gunan get. if u wanna fuck say it, if u really like me n mean it, say it. but star says he likes girls so they'll fuck him and i'm different, i spit game juss as good but i'm str8 up with guys, i tell them what i want n i dont run them around in petty circles. yeah so the point is that i can read every guy n it kinda scared me a lil cuz star seemed really weird when he said that he liked me, for a second i thought he actaully did but i smacked myself outta it n realized that he wants pussy. at least i think he does. fuck! i mean i know, i mean... fuckin aye, i dont know anymore. all i know is i'm happy as shit with frodo and thats all i want. jesus i'm bored n still heated from the shit that happened this weekend. i'll write later n tell you bout it. its a fucked up story n i cant even think about it right now or i'll fuckin shoot someone in the face. peace childrens...
and if any guy ever says they have a small dick, its HUGE. H-U-G-E
kk murdah queen..... kamittin murdah 24-7
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| gone |
[29 May 2003|11:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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u know u ghetto-bishop |
] |
alright, i'm dont with happie entries. bad to drama-filled, depressing, tear full entries. yeah well, everyone is leaving me. amy's goin to college even tho i never get to see her, frodo is goin tot he keys this weekend and next weekend he's moving to orlando for like 4 months with Q, sb, tom and a couple others. alex got caught by her parents today. stefanie is moving to oregon. and then theres me. i'm left in butt fucking davie with no one. fuck college, fuck jobs, fuck other family, fuck everything. everyone needs to realize that scumrise is u. u lived here. born here. family here. why leave everything? whats in oregon? in orlando? at college? fuck that. i could never leave this shit hole even if i tried. this is me. where i am is who i am. take that away from me and i'm nothing. i'm juss the dented can left on the shelf for no one to buy. i miss it already. i miss them. they didnt even leave yet but i'm thinkin how much its gunna hurt when they're gone. GONE! wut the fuck does that mean. when u have something for 14 years, its hard when change just comes up and bites u in the ass. not only is it hard but it hurts. what do i expect. i' adicted to choas and heartbreak, so i guess this falls under both categories. yea so tonight was eventful. first, alex tells me that frodo is talkin shit behind my back saying shit like "kaylas a hoe n i would never fuck her" but it didnt stop him from droppin neck on me. anyways yeah so frodo is sick so i felt bad n i bought him food, ported him, and brought him meds. and all he has to say is "damn kayla, fuck you, you dumb dented can" (the dented can thing is, when i was datin frodo, i fucked sean collins so my homeboy n i were in target n we saw this dented can on the shelf that looked like it had been there since 1989 and he looked at it n put it back on the shelf n said that no one would ever want that cuz its dented so him n frodo decided i was the dented can) anyways as i was saying, frodo was talkin shit bout me and then he looks at me n tells me, TELLS ME, to massage him, and i do. yeah well i was pist from the start n then these homeboys roll up 2 cars deep n tell em that my crew was talkin shit bout them so me, erica, sam, cristal, and stef walk up int hey're face with 17 guys on our back n they went back in the car. pussy ass niggas. so i was beyond heated at this point. and then on top of it, my ex boy, uris, calls me and starts bitchin how i have a boyfriend and i told him "i'd forever wait for him and shit" and he knew that me frodo have been datin for like 5 fucking months so i was beyond beyond beyond boilin hot then and i fucked my hand up punchin the fuckin brick wall. yeah well that wus the night. eventfull huh? yeah so oreo n stef are sleepin over n shit n i'm still upset. yeah n on top of it... i'm failin so i'll see all of ya'll in 8th next year. i'mna be like 17 in like 8th fuckin grade, bullshit! yeah so how bout them rainbows n bunnies? damn i could go for a port right now. damnit. yeah and also, i have to cancel my plans on saturday with amy cuz i spent all my money on frodo's food n shit. i wanna cry, oh wait! i already did like 4 times tonite. wait! did i hear "why"? maybe over frodo. what kinda guy makes his girl cry more then once A NIGHT!!!! then everyone was yellin at me again sayin that frodo treats me like shit. fuck all this. i'm out...
what means the world to me?
a box of phillies and tig ol' bitties in 50 cities
__________________________kayla___________________________
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| fuck guys |
[28 May 2003|10:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ja rule- six feet underground |
] |
damn i realized that basically every entry i have ever written has to do with frodo or how much guys suck or how much my life sucks n shit so this entry is gunna be a bunch of bullshit about happy things. okay kayla's perfect world... rainbows everyday but no rain, butterflies all around and they talk to you and things. all frogs arent scary and they dont ribbit they sing lulabyes. books read themselves to me so i dont have to be bored n read a buncha words n shit. and there would be no curse words so excuse that last word. i mean shoot. dogs wouldnt bark, they would just sit around n smile n things. guys would never play girls cuz if guys didnt play them, then girls wouldnt have to play them back. school would be entertaining and we would come n go as we please, and if we didnt have homework on the due date, oh well, turn it in when u damn well please. there would be an endless supply of orange soda, and doritos. cigarettes would be good for you, the more u smoke, the healthier u get. drugs wouldnt be illegal but they wouldnt be illegal cuz they'de be as normal as takin a shower n they would be good for u too. there would be no such thing as rip n dip. and for deedee, xtc and her cock in my mouth would be legal. everyones boyfriend would treat them like a goddess and talia would be back with joe. marc would have a perfect girl. jordan would date someone his age. i would be homeless with billions of dollars in my pocket. ej wouldnt move to port lucie or whatever. alex wouldnt try n do shit with my boy. erica would be with who eevr she wanted and no drama would happen and she would smile forever and actually mean it. she would never shed another tear. star wouldnt cheat on ashley ever again. and in the perfect world, i would never fall in love. i like this entry a lot better then the others. if anyone wants to add something to my perfect world, please feel free to.
and if any of my info is wrong, feel free to correct me. lol
peace kiddys
ill nigga kayla
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| i cant tell if i'm emo or hardcore |
[26 May 2003|08:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
anywhere-112 |
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oreo is some tough shit. for all that dont know, oreo is my homeboy, he's 21 n he's dating my brothers, girlfriends sister, kristal. he's the illest and most hardcore kid i have ever met and he's cried over his girl a bunch of times. so is he hardcore or emo lol? i think i'm sooo tough sometimes but i cry over frodo constantly. maybe its cuz he treats me like shit sometimes. but i love him n i cant help but put up with it. for instance today when i saw him his first words to me were "hey baby i'm hungry give me food" and i looked at him n told him i had no money n he walked away from me and i know it was fucked up of him but i still went over and sat next to him. i cant get away from it. i love him tooooo much and all the people i talk to tell me that he treats em like shit but i cant see myself with anyone better. every guy is a dick sometimes (i always tell myself that) but he's a dick all the time and i'm speakin truth right now and usually i deny it all. i swear to myself that he treats me liek a goddess and he doesnt. and its scary. i want a guy like marc. but he's too old for me, but iknow that if i dated him, he would treat me like a goddess even if i ddnt feel like one. it sucks, everyone knows that when ur with someone, u have 10000000 others to choose from n when ur single u got no one. its fucked up. its scary. and i dont like scary shit. god i tend to ramble on and on and on. it just makes me think a whole lot. mostly becuz oreo is talkin to his girl right now and he treats her like a god and she knows it and it makes me jealous but a couple daze ago he fucked up and right now i think she's talkin to him about breakin up and its makin me think and also i'm talkin to my homeboy kyle n he's tellin me how he always treats girls with respect, yet, his last girl he was IN LOVE WITH he cheated on and its weird cuz frodo tells me he loves me but he's homeless now and i dont know where he is at night, i dont know if he hangs up the fone with me at nite to call sum other female, i just dont know and i know i am never goin to have a good relationship if i keep doubting everything. i mean come on, everyone cheats and i realized thats the way the world turns, my friend star for instance, he lives with his girlfriend and he goes out at nite n fucks other females and comes back to his gf's house the next day n tells her he loves her. so how do i know that frodo doesnt do that to me? i dont know, i gues i dont expect anything cuz i did it to frodo but i told him the next morning. but then we broke up cuz he didnt wanna be with me for it and i swear, our relationship will forever never be the same n i regret every second of anything wrong i ever did cuz i love him n i know that every thing bad i do is one step farther n farther apart from him. poem
"confusion"
"down on hands and dirty knees
like a virgin, aim to please
for if we dont we must beware
that what should be is never fair
judgement by all those who think
that by causing such a stink
they can assume the role of god
in our play of destinies
fallen angels roaming earth
this barren land of hot winds birth
but we dont see
nor do we fear
for we dont know
they're quite so near
taking shelter in the souls
of those wanting to be bold
in ways outlandish to us all
yet we accept it, anappauled
they hunt down catatonic souls
those naive, and yet untold
of the horrors in that place
staring us right in the face"
-by my homegirl sarah wasserman
oreo's crying again and i dont know what to do... i cant even imagine the tears he's shed for this girl (maybe as many as i shed for frodo) i'm gunna go... i wanna go talk to other people and not just a journal that doesnt talk back.
love ya kidses
------------------------kayla ness----------
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[21 May 2003|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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rabbit in the moon- bullet in a gun(paul okenfold mix) |
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i know i didnt write a quote or a poem or anything so i was looking thru old books to throw out and i found my favorite book in the world "SMACK" its amazing. i suggest everybody should read it, its by melvin burgess. anyways if u ever wanna read an amazing book just ask me cuz i read kinda a lot n i read good ass books, so here's the quote
"I'm really looking foward to being clean again. It's this weird thing with smack. First off it makes you feel so good. But then after a bit, after your body gets used to it, it stops working like that. You start needing it just to stay normal... Then you get sick of it and give it up for a few days. And that's the really nasty thing because then, when you're clean, that's when it works so well"
i love that quote, it's on the front of it but i love that quote cause if i change sum words around a little, it could be perfect for me and if i change a couple more words, it would be perfect for my boyfriend and half of my friends. actually i dont even have to change a couple words, i have to change 1. instead of smack it would be sex, cutting, weed, E, acid, booze, ect. wow i have great friends. well i'm gunna keep looking for this 1 poem i really want to put in here so i'll talk later cuz honestly i have nothing else to do today except be sick n write in my journal n emo things like that. peace kiddys
ill nigga kayla
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[21 May 2003|03:18pm] |
we's back together. me n frodo date more but he's been bad n stuffs. he "ranaway" but shhhhhh... he was stayin wit me. shhhhhhhhhhhhh his momma doesnt know cuz my ma n pops were talkin to frodos ma to find out where he was at. anyways, i love that kid but i dunno cuz e'rybody knows i'ma murdah queen and oreo n star n j n willie are all murdah cats and they all think frodo treats me like shit n erybody wants me to go with willie n shit n i gotta listen to my crew but i scared cuz i love my frodo baggins. damns it. i can never win. goddamn d-d-dr-drama. yea so its all gravy for now. i'm goin to magical mayday on saturday hopefully cuz my brother aka god, lended me 60 bucks on top of the other 20 i owe him. damn that kid really is god. wooo hoo. yea sooo momma's out right now gettin pops car fixed n i got no ports. oh well it wouldnt help me a whole lot cuz i'm hella sick. i got throat shit.. nose shit.. head, body shit.. i just plain hurt. anywhooooooooooooooooooooooooo i need nicotine, i swear if anyone ever wants to be my best friend forever or even my husband or wife or whatever, just buy me a pack of new ports, they dont have to be 100s just plain newports. i swear u will definately get sum bomb ass head for that. lol speakin of bomb ass head..... mmmmmmmmm yea so i told u me n frodo chilled, yea well i didnt feel good so i guess frodo wanted to cheer me up and i swear to god this nigga gives the best head u have ever gotten. everyone needs head from frodo, well kayla's gunan go smoke a stoggie so peace niggs. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxox
no quotes for today, give ya one later.
kk murdah biatches
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| confusion=happiness |
[08 May 2003|05:40pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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ja rule- X |
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havent you realized that when you have something, you always want the better one but once you lose that thing you want it back n the better thing doesnt matter anymore. oh well. i figure that no one will ever be able to win. (i'm eating a really gross old lolipop) anyways... i still want frodo back but everyone thinks i should go with this homeboy willie cuz he's hella sweet n he can treat n girlie like a goddess, and on top of all that, hes a murdah king. i mean, aint nuttin better then that. but i fuckin want frodo. i dont know why, i just really do. goddamn i can be really dumb sometimes. anyways.. so i'm tryin to convince my parents to let me go to new orleans over summer for a month but i'm doubting it a whole lot cuz i'm goin to stay with my cousin n my parents know she's been arrested a couple times (cough 3 cough) for theft n shit. oh well. so anywho... what means the world to me? smoking hash, slappin ass (damn yo i'm soo g-h-e-t-t-o)i want pot or alcomohol lol. i wanna get crunked damnit... i dont have a poem now but i'll look for once n write it in later. 954 holla
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~kayla~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| murdah queens will never cry |
[05 May 2003|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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nice n slow- usher |
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its over. frodo broke up with me and i dont think i have ever felt this much pain. i did what i did n i got what i deserve. i miss him. i love him. i always will. its been crazy lately. ex boyfriends talkin to me again, ex-flings, exfriends, ex everything. i realize how much i gave up since this year really started n i miss it. i cant explain how much i miss everything. i miss the innocents. i miss not crying. i mean, shit, i'm still tough, right? i'm sorry for everything too. but most of all i'm sorry for making that one fucking decision a while ago. it changed my life n i'd take it back in a second. i promised frodo i wouldnt be just another girl but shit, thats all i'm ever gunna be, just another to everyone. i miss being different. now i'm all the same. i'm a fuckin trend. it makes me wanna puke (like shauny boy at the mall) hehe. i guess i kinda deserve everything i've ever gotten. i had my one and only decision to make and i took the wrong road n i see now where it took me n i hate this place. everyones happy, all i see is fuckin smiles but me n erica know its all a front. aint no body that happy. maybe marc, he's always happy. i love him. well now i have more decisions to make. which guy, where, when, why, ever, never, forever? make a decision. in the perfect world. i wouldnt even know what dating was, i wouldnt like guys, i would never do drugs, i would never smoke, i would never... but aint nothin perfect. murdah girls will never cry, they'll never die, they'll never fly, but they'll forever try. smile, why bother? theres always a reaction to ur action, its ur choice to do it or not. no body is ever gunna tell you what to do, and if they do, u never listen. wow i can really babble on when i'm thinkin. i havent thought in a while, and its weird cuz i'm startin to realize shit n it sucks but i see the way things are and i cant tell if i like them or not. i think i'm just scared. i miss camila. i do a lot. shes my past, she was there when i was happy. i should call her. its weird cuz i have all these friends fromt he past i miss but i have friends now that remind me of my old ones. like erica, she reminds me of camila they both make me soo happy. i love my erica, she always makes me smile no matter the tears n bullshit. she sees the world thru the same eyez i do. i also realized that the only way i'm happy is if everyone else is happy. when frodo broke up with me, i was beyond upset, i have a fuckin anxiety attack but i smiled when erica was happy, when deedee was happy n everything, i smile when others do. as fuckin sad as i was, i can front a smile so quick and if i front it long enuff, i believe myself. i really do. oh well. heres a poem, its old, but its pretty good. my homegurl wrote it but i thought it suits the topic...
"operator"
you hung up 30 minutes ago, but i'm still on the phone. i feel alone and emptiness. i never meant to hurt you and ruin it all. i never meant to confuse you and use you. i never meant to make you cry. i guess i do mess with minds a little but is that so horrible? i hear a voice come on and say "please hang up the phone and try again" maybe thats a hint i have one last chance. i realize it was all me. i'm sorry. i still havent hung up the phone. i'm still hoping you're there.i know i should hang up now. i realize its the end. i realize now that you're gone. so i take the phone away from my ear, wipe my tears and hang up. i'm still waiting for you to call."
well i guess you heard me ramble on enough and you heard a poem so i'll go. just remember, tie up ur daughters and hide ur soft kids. 9-5-4 murdah
kumit murdah
-------------------------------kayla--------------------------------
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| no use |
[27 Apr 2003|08:49pm] |
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from autumn to ashes- take her tot he music store |
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i'm so scared. i never get scared and i am petrified. when are me n erica gunna listen to ourselves. "never cry over a male" yeah well supposedly they aint worth the tears but goddamnit we still cry. we'll never take our own advice. i love frodo and shit madd happened and i might lose the reason why i wake up in the morning, every morning, him! he doesnt realize the reason i wake up in the morning, shower, brush my teeth, and go to school is so i can see him on friday. so i can talk to him every night. he is the one thing in my life that keeps me alive. well lets start with, i am a manic-depressive bipolar. so needless to say, i have issues and i dunno if he knows this and i'm on madd medication and when i'm with him i dont freak out as bad if i forget my meds. trust me, everyone has a reason to wake up every morning and when that something is gone, its hard as fuck to go to bed cuz u knwo u have to get up in the fuckin morning and u really dont want to. i dont wanna lose my reason for living and i just might becuz of my actions. when i drink i dont think about the reactions to my actions, i only think about then there and now. and it scares the fuck out of me. so i decided i will forever never do drugs unless i am with my boyfriend becuz i lose my grip on life when i do. even tho i aint holdin on tight, i still lose my grip once in a while, maybe more then other people but whatever. well lets see, since this is a depressing entry i am going to have my dpressing poem in here (not so depressing but very un- happy)...
"vision"
"summers over and now its a game?
how do u chance so quick
its such a shame
theres so many sides of you
i always wonder which one's true
you take my hand
i have to look away
soft words spoken
and i have nothing to say
sweet nothings whispered in my ear
i just give a cute smile
..pretend not to hear
i know i'll never mean anything to you
but i still like to pretend
even though i know its true
why is it a game?
i forgot the rules
now who do i blame?
everything is so new to me
one day i will open my eyes
but for now i can't see
"i'll never cry over any guy"
you look at me odd
"what do you think i lie?"
you think lifes a never-ending game
but when i go to win
its always the same
thats 2 for you and 1 for me
i will win
open you eyes
can you see?"
that one was for alex, long long long story from back in the day. like feb. 2002. but yet i'll never forget it because i never blame anyone for anything but i blame alex for it all. i'm just another girl. justa nother girl for sean, star, mike, dirty, q, sb, and frodo. except for frodo i'm just another girl that has fucked him over. i swore to him i would never be "just another girl" but deep down, thats all i am. if anyone ever tells you that you're different, dont believe it cuz no one is different on the inside from the multi-millionaires to the dirtiest bum with a needle in his arm in a ditch. no one different. dont ever let anyone tell you that you are. well i'm out for now. i need to do soem thinkin.
always and forever
-kayla
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